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when i walk with heads down
doesn't mean i'm emo

when i frown a lot
doesn't mean i'm depressed

just because i like gore
doesn't mean i'm gothic

i am who i feel i want to be

click on the "Not Emo!" to suit your mood.

Name : F.i.L.h.A.d.
Gender : Male
Height : 174.5 cm
Weight : 58 KG
School : Guangyang Pri
Anderson Sec
Class : 1605 2606 3307 4308
CCAs : Angklung ODAC Art Club


his wishlist

# pass both Maths
 # LIR5 to be less than 14
 # O Level Results
 # grow taller to 180cm
# get a fake tan
# whiten my teeth and align my jaw
# parfum/eau de parfum/eau de toilette
# a tight fitting white jeans (not skinnies)
# new shoes
# master the art of Blue Steel
# smile way more

It was 6:21 PM on a red Thursday, April 28, 2005...

Erm, i can't get d words to come out of my mouth... I am so sad... In d morning 1st lesson was geography... Den mother tongue... We had an oral practise... A few "lucky" ones were chosen n told to stand infront of d whole klas n tok bout a topic given... I was one of dem... I was standing n bout 2 tok... Wen i saw d hatred brewing inside her... So much of it... Couldn't take it anymore... Was bout 2 cry... Den remember my line, "no i dun cry on the outside anymore!!!" Decided 2 juz give her up... haizz... Den after dat was recess, bro told me dat ainul hated me so much... She said, "aku rase mcm nk sepak-sepak muke de klau bleh"... I mean, its nt dat i lyke her or wad ah bt wad d *bleep* hv i done 2 her or anyone?! D only reason dat i dun tok at all is bcoz i am afraid... So afraid of hurting oder ppl's feelings wif words... Bt still, a lot of ppl hate me... Dunno wad's wrong...God help me pls... I dun deserve dis... I need a normal life 2 life in... Please... No one can ever life lyke dis... Plese ppl, i need to noe my bad points... Please tell me... It will b so valuable 2 me... Pls at least tell me through sms or calls at +659*******...
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 8:35 PM on a red Monday, April 25, 2005...

*bleep* me... So it's out... Pediam tinks i'm a gay... Faggot 2 b precise... Aliya said i am a pretty face... is dat true??? Atiqah, seeing u it kills me now... I dun care... i dunno hw 2 live anymore... I'm tired... tired of my *bleep*king life... Wer evrydae is so much pain n torture... just thought u were d one... Haizzz... I love u so much bt u paid it wif pain n torture... I noe, i am juz a nobody... Even dirt n dust gets more recognition den me... Hu else in dis world noes d real me? Nope, no one... Nt even my mum n dad or my sista... Evrybody sees me as a lame, snob, quiet, stuck up guy... N nt to mention gay... It's nt me, it's my soul... It doesn't even hv any confidence... I HATE MY BLOODY SELF!!!
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 12:12 AM on a red Sunday, April 24, 2005...

I used to b so strong... Haizz... I dun care abt u animore atiqah... U can just get lost n most probably i wun even notice u leaving... Here i am once again i'm torn into pieces... I just can't get over u Pediam... I tried okay... U noe wad, 2dae i ate 2 panadol for no reason at all... Nxt tyme muz increase dosage... Hmm, 2dae was orite ah compared to oder days... I fought wif Atiqah n my sis... She cut me sia... Den my dad piss me off wif his usual nagging for nt going to religious class... He said he had enough of me... OK FINE AH!!! AKU LARI RUMAH BARU PADAN MUKE KAU!!! Alah, aku tau ko heran aper kn? Mayb klau aku potong tangan aku lagi kau suke kn?! Danny, y u let khairi read d letter?!! *bleep*er sia u!!! Wadeva larh... So long as d news doesn't reach *censored*... U noe wad, my days are getting siower... I am numb... I need a bottle in which i can spit all my unhappiness into... Pls, if u got dat bottle sell it to me... It's worth my life... I noe, my life is worth a few cents bt i will top it up wif all my cash... Jus give me happiness ok... I dun noe wad i am typing oredi... I'm barely hanging on... But u wun get 2 see d tears i cry...


Yours suicidely,

FADHIL
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 8:27 PM on a red Friday, April 22, 2005...

Hello ppl... I watched the wall's ard me crumble... Bad news for me... The gal of my dreams got a stead... Thks nul for passing dis msg n snapping me back to reality... Thks bro for telling me wad nul told u n stopping me frm doin' sm stupid things... dunno y i even bother... i mean she will NEVA wan me coz i will neve will b good enuff for her... I'm an actor yes... Wen bro told me dat she got a stead on d surface i was lyke "good for her", "finally she found a gd guy for her","hope she gets happier"... Bt no one heard my heart breaking... i was almost crying bt i pretended to yawn... nevermind forget abt me... So how's ur life dear diary? was it good? oh ya, i forgot dat u r just a page frm my life... unable to talk... i am depressed yes... i tok to non-living man-made tings... CAN'T LIVE WIFOUT U I DREAM ABT U!!! HEAR ME CRY!!! LOOK AT ME!!! NOTICE ME!!! Y is it always lyke dis? Gal i hope dat u r happy wif ur guy.. Khairi wad do u mean by am i nt angry? Of course i am, but no i am nt... I do not have d right to be angry coz she was neva mine... Dis is d 1st tyme i am falling in lurve wif smone... Atiqah, my confessions to u is dat i do not love u... I played wif ur heart yes... Dis hv got to b retribution... Tell me dat its over... Wadever i am a loser n failure... I'll end now... chiao...
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 4:09 PM on a red Monday, April 18, 2005...

Once again, hello ppl! I am not a playboy... Wad do i have to do to get dis fact into ur head?!!! Dis is d 2nd tyme i am saying dis u noe! I am nt a backstabber too ok! Hany, can u just get lost?! I too have my life to live ok nt only u! N aliya, tink u didn't get wad i meant to sae to you... wad i meant is compared to my feelings for u now, all those love smses dat i wrote to you d last tyme seems lyke jus an act... nt dat i didnt mean wad i said last tyme... clearer nw? I am tired today... Damn i feel lyke puking!!! U noe wad peeps, syuhada sent me a note through aquiarium saying "Jadi skrng kau dah tau camne aku nye muke kn? Jadi aper kau fikir? Aku tau kau nk stead ngan aku kn? Tapi klau kau tknk pun tkpe..." (sorry peeps, bt only close ppl to me wld understand dis) So, as i was saying, i wan to puke... Wait ah, *Ewueck! Hohoh! Uweck!**EEEE! Gross!* Sorry sorry while i lick some leftovers frm the vomits... K, clean nw...


wad u wan me to do? I am so tired oredi lor tinking n helping to solve oders' problem dat i dun even hv tyme for myself... I oredi lost 5kg wifout help by juz nt eating any rice for 2 days straight... I noe sm ppl wanna lose weight bt i am oredi fit n i dun wanna hv anorexia...I dun hv tyme to eat lor dat's y... N at skool i can't eat coz i need to save money to pay my handphone bill... Sorry peeps bt i noe dat alot of my past entries hv been on a low note... I promise u all dat i will write in a much much happier entry next tyme bt for d tyme being pls juz bear wif me orite...N i beg those hu noe dis blog (eyes aiming at ulfah) to NOT tell anyone abt dis site at all... I beg u... Even my sister n mother dun even noe abt dis site (afterall, it is a diary rite?) So thkns alot ppl for listening to my probs... Take care... Bye...
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 2:44 AM on a red Friday, April 15, 2005...

HeLLo PpL!!! Since wen did i become a flirt/ timer/ playboy??!! Dat is NOT the case at all... As she once said, "u r not a playboy... U r juz mixed up wif ur feelings..." If she can understand y can't u guys? Especially u, tembok n pediam... I noe dat i sms gals 48-hour a day but still dat does not make me a playboy... C'mon, i dun even tok to gals at school... Nope, non at all... N AQUIArium, pls pls stop chasing me i beg u... N Syuhada, can u pls tell me hu u really r? Dun keep me wondering can? Melissa or who ever u r, pls stop kolling me onli to hang up on me... It's really frusting u noe... N my prepaid is low... N i hv to borrow my fren's nmbr... I made his prepaid bcome frm $25 - $0... N i hv to pay a 100 bucks each mth to my mum for my bill... N Atiqah, r u really a model or wad??!! Did ur DM at skool really do all dat to you or was all dat a lie? It better be true or else we have got to break...


Dis specially goes out to u gal... Can't live wifout u... Can't breathe wifout u... I dream abt u... Honestly tell me dat it's over!!! Lo sis! Lo bro! Lo Penyum a.K.a Hazwani! U guys made my day in some way... I'm damn happy dat der's no ODAC todae... *bleep* big time *bleep*... N i'm also scared of the biggest volcano in Indonesia... Ppl said dat it's gonna erupt n dis is gonna coz the KLCC to shake so much... Wad more bout Spore which is closer?!! Dey oso said dat there will b some water spillage frm d sea... *bleep*! S'pore's gonna b anoder Atlantis or Pompeii!!! I dun wan to die bfore i get to clean my soul! K larh... Dat's all... So sleepy... Tink i have a fever or smting... Adios ppl!!!
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 6:15 PM on a red Wednesday, April 13, 2005...

Haizzz.... Stupid me! Y did i do such a stupid ting?? I told her i hate her juz to let her go n find a better guy den me... So much for being "noble"... And all it end up was she getting pissed off n i suppose she dun wanna tok to me anymore... I am so sad rite now... K, i admit dat last tyme i used to act to love her... Last tyme all dose sweet toks were plain acts... But now i really am falling in lurve wif u A****!!! Haizzz... So take it while it last coz it will end... I'm depressed... Somebody save me!!! Guys out der, dun even ting abt cheating ur gal... I've tried to b a playboy bfore... N let me tell u it *bleep*!!! I am now so sad dat i'd rather u take a knife n stab me in the heart... Bye for now while i search for some long chopper... Chiao...
Yes, you heard it first here.



It was 4:51 PM on a red Friday, April 01, 2005...

Haizz... I am feeling sooo down... But haven't i always loved u? I dunno why larh... But i feel so hurt... I'm mixed up... Rather ma feelings are... I feel numb... I noe dat some ppl wanna feel numb but i dun... Cause i'm damn sick of dat feeling... I wanna b human again! It's juz dat, i dunno wether she still loves me or not... Stupid me!!! How cld i had confessed to A**** dat i lyke pediam?!! I dunno wad got into me... Nw i lyked a whitley gal... Her name is A*****... Oh ya btw, did i mentioned dat i also lyke ma best fren's secret admirer? How crazie can ma mind get?? I dunno wad i am writing anymore... Sometimes i juz wished dat i cld be a playboy... At least i wld have lots of frens... Anyway, i juz feel dat i dun lyke yi yin anymore... Juz dun ask ok?! Sorie, i'm losing control... Anyhow, bof pediam n A***** are damn pretty... Cair dok aku ngok dorang! Kaylah, i juz wished dat i wld hv a steady soon, cause i'm so lonely by maself... N i hope dat lots more ppl get to read ma blog though it means dat ma privacy will be invaded... I told u ma mind is screwed! Anyway, i tink i gotta chiao... Peas n love makes d world go round...
Yes, you heard it first here.